I’ll never forget the day my former “spiritual father” told me he was convinced I had the spirit of Jezebel on me. I’d spend months fasting and praying, hearing clearly, then being told by him or his leadership I wasn’t hearing clearly, I was obviously being disobedient… etc. The cycle of this put me in a state of confusion and I almost committed suicide.
The same night he drug me to the altar of the church I attended and proceeded to try to cast out a demon and have everyone he could pray over me. Then his wife came to me and held me… what freaked me out wasn’t the praying… it was how I felt utterly slimed and at that point totally gave up. I felt like nothing I was doing was ever going to be right. I told God I wasn’t going to be in any kind of ministry, I would just shut my mouth and never do anything I wasn’t told again in the church. I felt some peace about it for a short period (that happens when you give up).
Then the dreams started again. I’ve had vivid dreams and even had conversations with God since I was a child. Honestly as long as I can remember. I have never NOT been able to hear God… and I never understood until I was later those who couldn’t. It seemed a normal part of life to me…
A little background first…
As I grew up, I went to church. First a Baptist church, and once I was “saved and baptized” I was told that was pretty much it. Live a good life, be a wife and mom and you are good to go. Deep inside me I knew there was more. Fast forward to High School and a really cute soccer player invites me to his church. Of course I go. This is the first time I came into contact with people who believed in spiritual gifts. I quickly found out that if I spoke about talking to God, I was shunned and told that wasn’t a gift I had and to line up in order… Heck I was mocked for it. But God kept speaking… He’s like that. 🙂
Fast forward to 30 years later… I’d been beaten up by other churches… pretty much all being manipulative. I find a church in which was so welcoming and accepting… I thought. After being there a few years the pastor takes a big interest in me… I had a pretty good relationship with him from the beginning, he was the reason I went to the church. He starts to mentor me and hold me deeply accountable for things… and the abuse starts. I never felt such confusion. I would walk closely with God, but somehow what I was seeing and hearing was wrong. I would make a suggestion at church (in an area in which I was serving and had some responsibility) and it was ignored… until one of the men makes the same suggestion and takes credit for it. This happened a few times and I even called one of them on it. He stopped thankfully. Over time more responsibilities were given to me and I felt like I was finally being appreciated, but God kept telling me that my calling wasn’t where I was serving. I tried for two years to train others to replace me but got push back and just started burning out. I did it anyhow. Everything at this church was last minute and not just small projects but huge ones. Things that should have cost me 200 dollars to do cost me 1200… and I was rarely reimbursed and we are not a rich family, so there was stress there but the unspoken rule that you just pour into the church and pastors family and not say anything. I mentioned it a number of times about how I needed a budget but was ignored. I felt utterly trapped as any time I mentioned it, something would happen to “punish” me. I’d been mocked in front of the whole church for my weight (I have an autoimmune disorder that attacks my thyroid and I’ve had cancer numerous times, and had multiple surgeries including a fully hysterectomy at a young age…). When called on it, the pastor apologized, only to do it twice more… I gave up.
My spirit was ringing a zillion alarm bells. Little lies that were almost constant. Stupid stuff that made no sense to lie about. I caught my “father” in over 10 lies in a matter of weeks and I just wept. I stood in his office and after he stated that “we can’t just forget all the bad things that have happened” (mostly the times I spun and was in so much confusion over what I was seeing and what I’m being told) I knew I’d never ever get a real chance there ever again. My spirit knew it was over. I backed off. I spent a month fasting and praying over all the issues I had with this church and leadership and God spoke loudly and showed me so much I ended up sobbing most days. I loved them (and still do) dearly. I tried to bless them and pour into their ministry but got attacked when I so much as asked a question or suggested a different way. If I didn’t see it their way, I was the enemy.
A few months later we formally left. Then only a few days later three different families contacted us and told us they were leaving too. We had no idea. My husband and I didn’t even tell those closest to us because we didn’t want to influence them. One person showed up at my door at 10pm one night. Her words that night were so healing to me. I wasn’t imagining what I was seeing.
In the next few weeks, confirmation after confirmation kept coming in. When people found out I wasn’t at that church anymore, they felt free to tell me things I didn’t know. I was blamed for revival never coming to the church (the pastors exact words). I was being told by the pastor at the same time I was growing and he was proud of me… (I have the emails). Other people in the church had things turned around on them when they asked leadership hard questions and were rudely attacked. It was a pattern showing up… and it broke my heart.
Since then, I’ve continued to pray for this church and leadership… I still have a deep burden for my “father” and the things that got him in this place. God’s shown me the deep wounding and the “I”m not going to let anyone hurt me again” attitude that allows Jezebel a foothold into a life. This man has an incredible call and anointing on his life… and those are the very ones Jezebel goes after. I won’t stop praying for him until he fulfills that, the way God desires.
If any of this sounds familiar to you, read this as well. When Jeremiah posted it I almost spit my coffee across my screen.
Make sure you are healed up and not walking wounded when you minister… or she could try to use you as well. Unfortunately having had a spiritual father who carried it, I have to make sure I’m clean and whole before ministering, which is why I’m only writing at this point.
Oh, and by the way, it’s very easy to say that someone has a spirit or you see a sin in someone if it’s something you personally are carrying or dealing with… be very slow to ever put a label on someone, especially someone with a prophetic gifting or call. Make sure you are right and not carrying it yourself first!!!.